Homophobia Inward

I’m in class and we’re talking cultural competency. An Orthodox Jewish woman raises her hand and states that although her religion sees homosexuality as an abomination, she’s confident she could work with gay people despite her belief. An abomination? I’m an abomination? Prior to this I thought she had a bad fashion sense, with the long dresses and hats, but now I think she’s a fool, ignorant, stupid. The class sits in silence. Why is religious intolerance tolerated even when it so righteously mocks our profession’s code of ethics? Jesus Christ we’re afraid of offending God. Fuck God. At least her version of him. I take the train home and think some more. I still think she’s a fool. Then doubt creeps in. I’ve heard these comments before -- in school hallways, from construction workers, from a car load of frat boys, from school kids selling candy in Union Square, from the TV news, from religious leaders, from my family, politicians and now students in Social Work school. It makes me shake with anger and rage. By the time I reach the door of my apartment I think to myself, "Maybe she’s right." ‘Maybe she’s right?" I’m succumbing again – surrendering to my own doubts and the ridicule of others. I catch myself. This is internalized homophobia. When will it stop?