Very Odd Things, 2.

1) Currently, I have a very good dermatologist. However, prior to finding him, I had one who asked to "see my shaft" during a skin check. I looked behind me, thinking perhaps he was talking about the elevator I failed to noticed when I first stepped into his office. There wasn't one. He definitely meant my penis. Then he asked me to turn around and pryed my butt cheeks open like he was peeling apart an orange and concluded his examination. "Did the dermatologist ever ask to see your shaft?" I said to my coworker who referred me to this doctor. When he replied "no" I then realized I would never return to that doctor again.

2) I was not exactly a model student in religious instruction classes and gave every teacher a pretty hard time, "Maybe it wasn't an Arc, but a raft with a few chickens. How did this priest get AIDS? I'm reading Greek and Roman mythology and don't see many difference between this and the Bible." Were favorite questions. It also pissed off my instructors to no end, which is why I suspect Father Dwyer, who looked like if David Letterman, Randy Travis and Frankenstein had a baby, called me one Sunday night to ask "Would you like to come and work in the rectory?" He said rectory slowly, drawing out the R-E-C-T part until my brain filled it in with rectum. "No I would not like to work in the rectory," although who knew it would be a place I don't mind visiting now and again as an adult. This refusal is why I had to write and read an essay about why George Michael's I Want Your Sex was damaging to the moral of Christians everywhere at my Confirmation retreat when I was in the 8th Grade.