Very Odd Things That I hadn't Previously Thought Very Odd, But Now That I Am Making a List, Realize How Very Odd They Are.

1) My high school gym teacher encouraged the boys to wear shorts for grades of "A". She stabbed her husband in the hand in a local bar the year after I graduated H.S.

2) Mom made me give her foot massages until I was 12.

3) My Uncle Puggy had a urine collection on his window sill. He did not like to use public restrooms and would cut holes in all his pants pockets, insert a jar, pee, cap it and save it on his window sill for posterity.

4) I have a former uncle who claimed to have penis radar, "Women send vibes to my crotch and I can tell they want me."

5) When I was 19 I was a maid for a 75 year-old man who paid me $25 dollars an hour to move Undergear and International Male Magazine from one end of his living room to the other. When he answered the door for the first time wearing only a button down shirt and underwear I said nothing. When he grabbed my ass as he hugged me goodbye I thought "I don't want to give up the money" And agreed to go back several more times. He was beaten by a mugger and died from the injuries when I was in my late 20's.

6) My dead Aunt Ann was a friend of Jennifer Lopez's mother who broke and entered Mama Lopez's house upon their first meeting.

7) My italian great grandmother died when she discovered that what she thought was her 10th pregnancy was actually a very large tumor.

8) My mom's friend, Diane Suatner calls her husband "fuck face" and keeps his favorite watch hidden in the glove compartment of my mother's car.

9) My father married a woman with the same first, middle, and confirmation name as my mother. Of course she took our last name and sometimes gets my mom's social security info.

10) Her son, Lou, hit on my sister at my Dad's and her wedding. "I'd like to get to know you in different circumstances," so said Lou.